Tuesday, 30 April 2013

When Your Lunch Makes You Sad.

Last week I decided on a whim to do this cleanse - my friend mentioned that she was considering it and so checked it out.  It looked legit - here it is Dr. Oz's 3-Day Detox.  I had been feeling very digestively uncomfortable lately and I'm kind of hoping that this will help.
So - I wake up yesterday and do not forget that I can't have coffee (beginning of sadness) and, because I mistakenly think that mint-flavored green tea works as well as regular green tea, I down a cup of minty/lemony blah.  I won't do that again (in fact I make a trip to the store to buy regular green tea shortly thereafter to avoid this particular grossness in future).  Next I consume the breakfast smoothie.
 This (above) is what it looks like.  Despite fresh raspberries it has a decidedly brownish tinge.  But it goes down all right, even with spinach in it (first time ever putting spinach in a smoothie - it is not nearly as bad as the kale will prove to be).  The next thing I do is deliver another of these delightful-looking breakfast concoctions to the friend that convinced me to try this lovely (this is when I still think that you could describe it as "lovely") diet.  Because she had just returned from Vegas and did not have time to make it to the store.  FYI - you will see below that delivering a smoothie is not as easy as it sounds because our crazy northern weather decided that April 29th should look like January at the North Pole.  This proves that I am sometimes a very good friend.

Then I go to the track and run 4 miles.  Because I'm nuts.  And also because I want to do this on July 1.  Following the run things pretty much go down hill.  The lunch smoothie is AWFUL.  It tastes like what I would imagine a pile of lawn clippings with lime juice poured on it would - if you forgot to take all the lime rind off before you squished the juice onto the pile.  And it's BIG.  Like 2 Litres big.  And far too ugly to post a pic of - I think that in the horror of grinding up an entire cucumber, 4 celery sticks, and half of a lime I forgot to pause to take a picture.  There is also pineapple in this smoothie - but there might as well not be because you cannot taste it AT ALL. Even my blender rebels - I have to take the ingredients out and re-chop them TWICE.  Maybe my blender is saying "stop this craziness!  After years of making you yummy iced lattes and fruity delicious frozen things - WHY??!!"  I should have listened.
Perhaps it is the cold weather - but I think that it is the smoothie - I get the shakes, curl up like a fetus in a blanket on the couch,  and shiver for a while.  At this point I cave and drink a cup of coffee.  If it wasn't for the contamination of lawn-clipping taste, that coffee would have been incredible.  My husband walks out of his office at this point and says "it smells like fresh-cut lawn out here."  Apparently the smell is radiating off of me.  And all this despite the fact that I only choked down HALF of it!  But coffee ends the shakes and I get up and do laundry.
Dinner is less awful - mainly because I choose to not put cayenne pepper in my smoothie (Really Dr. Oz?).  This (below) is it.  Looks nice, right?  Nope.  It tastes like kale too.
Perhaps what is more incredible than these awful drinks is the fact that I stick with it.  In fact it is day 2 and I actually consumed the ENTIRE lunch smoothie today.  Why would I do that?  Besides the fact that my friend who shall go unnamed (Kristal) caved and gave up, you would think that the bloated stomach (I thought that this was supposed to take care of that - why has it made it worse?) and the depression-inducing lunch torture would do me in.  It's because I'm stubborn.  I'm so stubborn that I subject myself to more than one of the worst drinks that I have ever consumed.  More than one.
When I am done I hope I have news like this to report click here for amazing weight loss stories but likely I will just report that it's wonderful to eat hot food again and that I love coffee forever no matter what Dr. Oz says.

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